My family bonds through movies and I am thinking I don't want my family to be that way. I would rather sit around and make fun of each other or play games. It seems that is the only way we 'connect' here and there is no interaction involved; isn't that a contradiction?
I used to watch Shaylee play and was always a little disappointed when she wasn't super excited when I came around. Mark gave a talk in church about playing with kids and giving our families our time. I have been getting down and crazy with Shaylee the last two days and I have never felt closer to her. She can literally be entertained for hours by a stream of water from a faucet so I went in with her and played in the water for almost two hours. That is the kind of mom I want to be. A career outside a full time mom and homemaker is something I want, but quite as necessary for me. Anyway, Shaylee is so beautiful and I will likely be around in May when Marielle has her second! So excited. I remember urging mom to speed to the hospital and shocked that she actually did and then waiting anxiously as Marielle suffered through 12 hours of labor. Mmm, can't wait for that. I have a tiny bladder and an extremely sensitive nose. Excited for that too. :)
We went to the St. George temple as a family this morning. This is something we have never done before but something I want to implement as soon as my family old enough. It was special. My mom got teary and told us how much she wanted this day to happen. How wonderful would it be to show our family our love of the temple? I think I am going to have to live an hour or less travel time close to a temple when I get settled. I am so used to going every week with Jessica and this vacation has thrown me off. I have been once now this month and I can feel the gap in my life. The temple workers were so worried this morning that things were backed up and we would have to wait so long to get in but it took 1/2 hour, 45 min tops. Often in the Provo temple, we can wait up to three hours to do one name. The waiting time is so precious though and there is so much time that you just have to sit still and accept the blessings of sitting in the temple.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Remembering 2009
I have stepped away from the doomed plank I walked of serving as my own redeemer. I have found success in myself as a daughter of God. My eyes and what God's eyes see is the only sight that truly matters. I have found love for myself through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the Father and in Heaven that made it all possible. I am ridiculously pathetic when it comes to doing things right, but I am constant in my obsession to improve. I love every day with its fullness of opportunities to get to know God better through His children and the experiences I am given to find joy in. I am fresh in my new-found perspectives on God's love for me.
I am becoming. :D
I am becoming. :D
Friday, January 1, 2010
Reflections on Troy
I sit in bed thinking: nothing new there. Troy comes home in 8 months and 3 weeks, according to his December Facebook status.
My fingernails are too long to make typing fluid; they clatter across the keys.
My cat's hair is turning white in spots.
I think about the conversation I had with Shannon last week about missionaries. 'Hers' comes home in July and she just recently got out of the first relationship she has had since he left. We talked about the blankness of the thousands of 'what if's' that circle and pounce if allowed, oddly bringing the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz to mind. She and I, we have dated a lt of guys. I admire us for the trust we have developed in God that will allow us to follow our hearts. But it always makes you wonder why we keep falling short with them. Troy, a specter of the past I know one way, won't be entirely like that person when he gets home. Me too. You wonder on the ends of those many what-if roads.
I sound like an immature school girl, I know. Sometimes though, like tonight, I hope God lets him feel my prayers for him. Shan and I talked about how unless someone so wow came along that we could gladly let go of all attachment for our missionaries, that we will always have a string attached. This line holds us bound until he comes home and the relationship is a yes or a no. We agreed that it would be ok if it was a no, we have seen there are equally fantastic guys out there. The chance at a yes is something worth the just-to-make-sure experience we hope to have. But either way, and unless we find the right one with the right timing while he is still out preaching the gospel, we are held to the first. The moment in a suspenseful movie where you sit captivated and barely breathing is a similar feeling. You don't notice the captured breath until it bursts, liberated in a gust, from your lungs. After, you may laugh and wonder, "how silly, it was but a moment and it had such an effect." But, only after.
Well, hopefully now I can sleep. Night ya'll!
My fingernails are too long to make typing fluid; they clatter across the keys.
My cat's hair is turning white in spots.
I think about the conversation I had with Shannon last week about missionaries. 'Hers' comes home in July and she just recently got out of the first relationship she has had since he left. We talked about the blankness of the thousands of 'what if's' that circle and pounce if allowed, oddly bringing the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz to mind. She and I, we have dated a lt of guys. I admire us for the trust we have developed in God that will allow us to follow our hearts. But it always makes you wonder why we keep falling short with them. Troy, a specter of the past I know one way, won't be entirely like that person when he gets home. Me too. You wonder on the ends of those many what-if roads.
I sound like an immature school girl, I know. Sometimes though, like tonight, I hope God lets him feel my prayers for him. Shan and I talked about how unless someone so wow came along that we could gladly let go of all attachment for our missionaries, that we will always have a string attached. This line holds us bound until he comes home and the relationship is a yes or a no. We agreed that it would be ok if it was a no, we have seen there are equally fantastic guys out there. The chance at a yes is something worth the just-to-make-sure experience we hope to have. But either way, and unless we find the right one with the right timing while he is still out preaching the gospel, we are held to the first. The moment in a suspenseful movie where you sit captivated and barely breathing is a similar feeling. You don't notice the captured breath until it bursts, liberated in a gust, from your lungs. After, you may laugh and wonder, "how silly, it was but a moment and it had such an effect." But, only after.
Well, hopefully now I can sleep. Night ya'll!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
My only hope is to offer up my scars in love.
I called Andy the other day and he told me after some probing that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He realized I had been judging him. He is was right in a way. I dated Andy because he is genuine, he glows with Christ's countenance, he knows who he is. But deep down, he must have known I wasn't the person he was ready for. There are always two sides. I told Andy when I broke everything off that it was because I couldn't marry him and not never look back and wonder if Troy would have been the better decision. But I see now that isn't wholly the case and it is one I maybe was hiding behind. When a good friend asked me if I would have still broken things off with Andy even if Troy didn't exist I had never considered it but I knew the answer was yes. I used Andy to cover the hole in my heart where God's love and self love should have been growing. He is someone I would consider myself eternally grateful to be with - he is a beautiful, beautiful person. I hated things he did because they were everything good that I couldn't make myself face to accomplish; I envied and coveted traits because I never ceased to fail at trying to even scratch their surface. I couldn't bring myself to laugh or play because I never deserved it. I couldn't give him happiness that I didn't have. But back then I thought everything was perfect, my love pure, my intentions clear. Then I felt I was being honest and I was as far as my ignorance allowed. I had no idea I was lying to myself and then to him. Every moment was a lie. I will never deny I loved Andy, but it couldn't have been a love that should have been sealed. It was selfish and he will always deserve more than that. Nothing I could say he would trust, no apology, no explanation. All I can do is pray God will heal his heart. Again, I have to just face the regret. I hurt him deeply and he can never know the depth of my sorrow for it.
When he told me this it shook me hard. The disgust in his voice was something I never thought I would hear in Andy. Of course I understand and if I had to choose a punishment for what I did to him I know it would be far harsher than he or God would ever choose for me. He trusted me. I am grateful for a blessing I had a few days previous when I was feeling out of harmony in which I was blessed with focus and a desire to know better a God that is ever-anxious for my happiness. A perfectly timed perspective. But I lost a best friend. I lost a love, a confidante, a hero. He's just gone. What scares me most is that both he and Troy are gone; the two people that knew and loved me best have chosen not to. I can't ask them to stay.
I had a period of time where I didn't physically didn't leave my room because I felt I would just wound people if they became at all attached to me. I felt I was becoming a hazard to everyone else instead of just myself. Now I see that with every relationship there is risk. I wish people would assume that I will be an idiot, that I may hurt them not out of spite but out of ignorance of my own weapons, that I have to mess up and hate myself and mess up again a hundred times before I realize I am worth that piece of the atonement Christ suffered for. I wish they would understand that I will do everything wrong before I get something right. But my wish is that Christ will give them forgiveness for me because one assumption they can always make is that I will never give up. I don't know what I have to offer them other than a charity I am only now beginning to understand. My hope is that it will be worth it. But the little I have and the little I learn I will give. And that is my only hope for this life: to offer up my scars in love.
When he told me this it shook me hard. The disgust in his voice was something I never thought I would hear in Andy. Of course I understand and if I had to choose a punishment for what I did to him I know it would be far harsher than he or God would ever choose for me. He trusted me. I am grateful for a blessing I had a few days previous when I was feeling out of harmony in which I was blessed with focus and a desire to know better a God that is ever-anxious for my happiness. A perfectly timed perspective. But I lost a best friend. I lost a love, a confidante, a hero. He's just gone. What scares me most is that both he and Troy are gone; the two people that knew and loved me best have chosen not to. I can't ask them to stay.
I had a period of time where I didn't physically didn't leave my room because I felt I would just wound people if they became at all attached to me. I felt I was becoming a hazard to everyone else instead of just myself. Now I see that with every relationship there is risk. I wish people would assume that I will be an idiot, that I may hurt them not out of spite but out of ignorance of my own weapons, that I have to mess up and hate myself and mess up again a hundred times before I realize I am worth that piece of the atonement Christ suffered for. I wish they would understand that I will do everything wrong before I get something right. But my wish is that Christ will give them forgiveness for me because one assumption they can always make is that I will never give up. I don't know what I have to offer them other than a charity I am only now beginning to understand. My hope is that it will be worth it. But the little I have and the little I learn I will give. And that is my only hope for this life: to offer up my scars in love.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I am going to die because I have the swine flu.
Haha, I don't have the swine flu! You were just about to run for your casserole recipies to console my roommates, weren't you? I love being sick though cuz you realize how much people care about you. Like this morning, I didn't go to church cuz I felt like an elephant used my head as a stepping stool. George and ShannaMay came in to wake me up and then later George and Drea brought me two pieces of lovely peanut buttered bread with "Get Well Soon" written in a spagetti noodle on one and a smiley face with an apple smile and blackberry eyes on the other. And Ezra was sitting on my couch just chillin. I felt pretty loved between them all.
Let me tell you about George. She and I are basically twins and pretty much socially inept when around each other. BUT it is the best thing EVER cuz we bring out the REAL us. Let's see how many caps I can use in this conversation. I can't even begin to tell you what an answered prayer she is. I have needed her. We have an adventure every glorious day.
I am not sure what I want in life. I know I want to go on a mission, but the dating question is still up in the air and the hard part about trusting God's will is that you have to keep your heart open to everything good. And every guy in this ward is good. :S
Let me tell you about George. She and I are basically twins and pretty much socially inept when around each other. BUT it is the best thing EVER cuz we bring out the REAL us. Let's see how many caps I can use in this conversation. I can't even begin to tell you what an answered prayer she is. I have needed her. We have an adventure every glorious day.
I am not sure what I want in life. I know I want to go on a mission, but the dating question is still up in the air and the hard part about trusting God's will is that you have to keep your heart open to everything good. And every guy in this ward is good. :S
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Here I am, sitting in my best friend's apartment as she sleeps, and contemplating what a loser I am. I am utterly unreliable, a hypocrite, and a facade. I am the worm that doesn't quite make it through the cacoon for the millionth time and is beginning to tire from the failure. I know, I know, let's see how much self pity we can pour on the already suffocating fire of the heart. But I am so sick of me I would give just about anything to escape. And God? Well, mostly I never give him the chance to forgive me cuz I am way too busy punishing myself. I am the executioner that sharpens his lusty blade and the guilty victim waiting for dawn. Do you know how it feels to distrust yourself so completely, to deny yourself any lasting happiness, to expect so full a failure in every attempt at improvement? I am Misery.
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