Here I am, sitting in my best friend's apartment as she sleeps, and contemplating what a loser I am. I am utterly unreliable, a hypocrite, and a facade. I am the worm that doesn't quite make it through the cacoon for the millionth time and is beginning to tire from the failure. I know, I know, let's see how much self pity we can pour on the already suffocating fire of the heart. But I am so sick of me I would give just about anything to escape. And God? Well, mostly I never give him the chance to forgive me cuz I am way too busy punishing myself. I am the executioner that sharpens his lusty blade and the guilty victim waiting for dawn. Do you know how it feels to distrust yourself so completely, to deny yourself any lasting happiness, to expect so full a failure in every attempt at improvement? I am Misery.

another genesis

Sometimes, I feel like I have run over the same tire track with different rubber a hundred times and after a while you need new grooves. Part of me yearns for someone to understand. Part of me is sick of telling people the latest in my life when they are can't even grasp a leaf off the Redwood. And then the half serious jokes come and bets about what life altering mistake they think I will make next. I know I don't deserve the confidence but I think so many of us are the kid in class that hope for the B because after so many of them, everyone begins to think we aren't capable of an A. And then we believe it.